


The Overwatch mistake

by Sherr



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: And Gabe, Chatting & Messaging, Everyone roastes McCree, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Memes, Mistakes, Please Kill Me, Reinhardt is the ultimate memelord, There's actual hetero pairings here wow, Zarya secretly loves memes, and Jack, because they old, chatfic, i don't know why i'm doing this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-03-02 01:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13307913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sherr/pseuds/Sherr
Summary: TRACER: wow this went from bad to bloody horrible in a matter of secondsWINSTON: what a surprise





	1. Tracer did a mistake

**Author's Note:**

> New year, new me.  
> And apparently new fandom where I can scream about gay ships.

**[LENA OXTON entered GABE AND JACK ARE GAY]**

**OXTON:** Oh my god, it worked!

 **OXTON:**  wait

**[LENA OXTON changed to TRACER]**

**[TRACER added 12 persons to GABE AND JACK ARE GAY]**

**MCCREE:** why is this mistake alive again, tracer

 **TRACER:** I found my old comm! and I asked Athena for help, therefore here we are

 **MCCREE:** this even still has the name Ana put

 **GENJI:** why is this alive

 **TORBJÖRN:** I don't remember agreeing to this

 **WINSTON:** Lena,  _why_

 **WINSTON:** You already know how these end

 **TRACER:** it will be fun!

 **MCCREE:** disagree

 **SONG:** OH NEAT A CHATROOM

 **SONG:** wait

 

**[HANA SONG changed to DVA]**

**DVA:** there we go

 **MERCY:** I'm totally dissappointed on this being alive again

 **MERCY:** I'm still mad at Liao for stealing my chocolate

 **MCCREE:** that day was terrifyin'

 **GENJI:** we don't talk about that day

 **REINHARDT:** That day is officially banned from our memories

 **MORRISON:** what the fuck

 **GENJI:** what

 **MERCY:** what.

 **REINHARDT:** WHAT

 **REINHARDT:** JACK?!

 **MORRISON:** excuse me I

 **MORRISON:** I found this comm and I 

 **MORRISON:** uh

 **ANA:** Jack stop trying so hard is embarrassing

 **MERCY:** EXCUSE ME WHAT THE FUCK

 **MERCY:** WHAT IS HAPPENING

 **MCCREE:** WHEN DID WE GOT THE MEMO WHERE IT SAID Y'ALL AIN'T DEAD

 **GENJI:** wow that's a lot of texan slang

 **ANA:** lmao

 **ANA:** roasting Jesse is still a thing, I see

 **FAREEHA:** mom pls

 **FAREEHA:** wait

**[FAREEHA changed to PHARAH]**

**MERCY:** YOU KNEW?

 **PHARAH:** she's my mother, I have the benefit of being the first in knowing she isn't dead

 **ANA:** damn right you do sweetheart

 **MERCY:** WHAT'S NEXT, THAT GABRIEL IS NOT DEAD?

 **ANA:** hah

 **ANA:** @REYES

 **MERCY:** ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW

 **REYES:** what the fuck

 **GENJI:** angie is having a stroke

 **DVA:** rein is having a stroke too

 **MCCREE:** im fucking screaming

 **TRACER:** wow this went from bad to bloody horrible in a matter of seconds

 **WINSTON:** what a surprise

 **REYES:** Why and how is this alive again.

 **REINHARDT:** I SHOULD BE ASKING THAT TO YOU

 **REINHARDT:** AND JACK

 **MORRISON:** don't bring me into this

 **REINHARDT:** I SPOKE AT YOUR FUCKING FUNERAL

 **REINHARDT:**   _FIVE YEARS AGO_

 **DVA:** wow what an asshole

 **MORRISON:** stop

 **ANA:** I sent a letter to Fareeha

 **ANA:** you sent nothing

 **ANA:** you can't see me but I'm giving you the disappointed look

 **REYES:** ...

 **ANA:** yes, I'm giving it to you too, Gabriel

 **REYES:** I don't care.

 **REYES:** And Gabriel Reyes died a long time ago.

**[REYES changed to REAPER]**

**GENJI:** well, that's definitely unsurprising

 **MCCREE:** dad why

 **ANA:** I KNEW IT

 **MCCREE:** WELL CAN YOU BLAME ME?

 **ANA:** yes

 **ANA:** your taste in sugar daddies is horrible

 **MCCREE:** DONT

 **MERCY:** I'm still mad at the three of you and I will shoot you the next time I see you without hesitation.

 **REAPER:** I'm not scared of you, Angela.

 **MERCY:** Don't tempt me, Gabriel.

**[ANA changed JACK MORRISON to SOLDIER:76]**

**76:** WHY

 **GENJI:** exposed

 **REAPER:** ...

 **REAPER:** Well.

 **76:** i feel betrayed in so many levels and it's only 3 pm

 **LÚCIO:** Wow, I can't leave for one day without seeing drama here

 **DVA:** LÚCIO!

 **LÚCIO:** Hello dear ;)

 **LÚCIO:** Anyway, what's happening here

 **GENJI:** Lena reactivated hell, we found out Jack, Gabriel and Ana aren't dead and apparently you're flirting with Hana

 **LÚCIO:** im

 **REAPER:** Exposed.

 **LÚCIO:** Who are you?

 **REAPER:** I'm death.

 **ANA:** oh cut it out edgelord

 **ANA:** he's Gabriel

 **ANA:** aka useless homosexual

 **LÚCIO:** well, that kinda explains the name of the chat

 **REAPER:** what.

 **REAPER:** ANA HOW DID YOU GOT TO HAVE THAT NAME STAY FOR FIVE YEARS.

 **ANA:** im cool and that's all

 **REAPER:** CHANGE IT NOW.

 **REAPER:** WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I CHANGE IT.

 **WINSTON:** I removed your mod privileges.

 **REAPER:** WHY.

 **WINSTON:** So that way you can't change it yourself.

 **WINSTON:** I did the same with Jack.

 **GENJI:** if anyone changes the name i will personally hunt you

 **ANA:** same

 **REAPER:** I hate you all and I will kill you one by one.

 **ANA:** Jack, tell your boyfriend to stop being such a 2011 emo

 **REAPER:** He's not my boyfriend.

 **ANA:** last time I asked you were too busy pounding his ass to answer me

 **DVA:** HOLY FUCK

 **LÚCIO:** WHAT A WAY TO SHUT HIM OFF

 **ANA:** thanks, I try

 

 **76:** my ass hurts

 **DVA:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **LÚCIO:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **GENJI:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **TRACER:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **76:** what

 **DVA:** you better scroll up and realize your mistake by yourself old man 

 **76:** ... 

 **76:** well, where's the lie tho

 **DVA:** HOLY

 **TRACER:** I'M FUCKING DYING

 **REAPER:** You just sentenced both of us.

 **76:** pays you right for Switzerland, asshole

 **REAPER:** Forget about tomorrow's date.

 **76:** it was worth it

 **TRACER:** was it?

 **76:** he was going to make me watch bad vampire movies of 2014

 **76:** of fucking course it was

 **DVA:** ew

 **DVA:** dump him already

 **76:** already tried

 **76:** we ended having sex

 **DVA:** TMI

 **76:** you asked, kid

 **REAPER:** I regret many things in my life and one of them was proposing to you.

 **76:** sucks for you

 **REAPER:** You already do that.

 **GENJI:** RJDJKAKJDLKSKD

 **GENJI:** MAKE THEM STOP

 **GENJI:** THE MENTAL IMAGE IS NOT A PLEASANT ONE

 **ANA:** im going to sleep dart them both

 **GENJI:** how

 **ANA:** an old woman has her tricks

 **MERCY:** They're sleeping on Jack's old bedroom and apparently had sex earlier today.

 **GENJI:** how

 **MERCY:** :)

 **ANA:** and done

 **ANA:** thanks for the information, Angie

 **MERCY:** I'm still mad at you.

 **GENJI:** i don't know if I should be proud or scared

 **MCCREE:** be both

 **GENJI:** i swear if you do that stupid joke

 **MCCREE:** be bot

 **GENJI:** my fucking god

 **TRACER:** I already regret this but this is way too much fun

 **WINSTON:** This was a mistake since the beginning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It posted unfinished but oh well


	2. Jack is not trustworthy

**MCCREE:** why are Reinhardt and Hana screaming on the common room

 **MCCREE:** oh my god Ana joined them

 **MCCREE:** what is happening

 **GENJI:** reinhardt and hana thought it would be a good bonding activity to play Mario Kart together

 **GENJI:** spoiler alert: it wasn't

 **MERCY:** Why did Ana joined them?

 **GENJI:** she wanted to watch her cooking show but reinhardt throw his hammer at the tv and now the three of them are screaming at each other

 **MCCREE:** oh great that was the third tv of the month

 **MERCY:** why are you all like this

 **GENJI:** hey don't blamWHAT THE FUCK

 **MCCREE:** WHAT WAS THAT

 **MERCY:** I think the answer is an obvious one.

 **MCCREE:** @WINSTON junkrat blowed up his room again

 **WINSTON:** I swear to God.

 **WINSTON:** @FAWKES STOP.

 **GENJI:** I doubt his comm survived that explosion

 **FAWKES:** HEY THERE I THINK MY ROOM DISAPPEARED

 **FAWKES:** WAIT

**[JAMISON FAWKES changed to JUNKRAT]**

**JUNKRAT:** much better

 **JUNKRAT:** ANYWAYS MY ROOM DISSAPPEARED

 **WINSTON:** We all know you were testing explosives there even though I told you to don't do it.

 **JUNKRAT:** THERE WAS A SPIDER

 **WINSTON:** ... A spider.

 **JUNKRAT:** YEAH, A SPIDER. I HATE SPIDERS.

 **WINSTON:** I don't even know what to say.

 **GENJI:** hana, reinhardt and ana are still screaming im scared

 **GENJI:** ANA THROW A PILLOW AT ME

 **GENJI:** @MERCY i need healing

 **MERCY:** I need a new boyfriend.

 **GENJI:** :(

 **MCCREE:** lmao

 **76:** what is all this shouting

 **MCCREE:** welcome to the new Overwatch, old man

 **76:** there's not much difference between this Overwatch and the old one

 **WINSTON:** That's true.

 **GENJI:** the difference is that you don't have your boyfriend living on the same building as you and therefore we don't have to suffer from your constant flirting

 **76:** first of all, husband, thank you

 **76:** second of all

 **76:** ... we flirted that much?

 **MCCREE:** @REAPER

 **REAPER:** Yes, we did.

 **76:** oh

 **ZARYANOVA:** Why is everyone screaming.

 **ZARYANOVA:** ...

**[ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA changed to ZARYA]**

**ZARYA:** I cannot concentrate in my training if this shouting keeps going.

 **GENJI:** im too scared to interfere with this discussion

 **GENJI:** and i appreciate enough my life to die twice

 **ZARYA:** Well, someone has to make them stop or I will throw my gun at them.

 **SATYA:** I agree with Aleksandra. If this shouting keeps going I will take the matter in my own hands.

 **GENJI:** ...

 **MCCREE:** ...

 **76:** ... 

 **SATYA:** What?

 **GENJI:** you didn't say "wait" and changed your username

 **SATYA:** Satya is shorter than Symmetra.

 **GENJI:** ... oh

 **GENJI:** HOLY

 **ZARYA:** ... The shouting stopped.

 **GENJI:** mei came and froze the three of them and then left

 **MCCREE:** Mei is the true mvp

 **MERCY:** Bless Mei.

 **WINSTON:** Now the problem is Junkrat and his spider problem.

 **JUNKRAT:** IT WAS A BIG SPIDER

 **WINSTON:** Excuse me if I have a hard time believing that.

 **LÚCIO:** I almost lost my room too

 **LÚCIO:** Not cool

 **JUNKRAT:** I'M SORRY MATE THE SPIDER SCARED ME

 **REAPER:** This reminds me of the time Jesse jumped out the window of his room because Genji put a fake snake there.

 **MCCREE:** DONT

 **GENJI:** i almost forgot that

 **LÚCIO:** McCree is scared of snakes?

 **LÚCIO:** Dang. All this time I was waiting for the moment he said "there's a snake in my boot"

 **MCCREE:** okay, first of all, fuck you

 **ANA:** jesse is my favorite so if you do something to him I will hunt you

 **MCCREE:** thank you i love you

 **GENJI:** i thought i was your favorite :(

 **ANA:** nah

 **GENJI:** @MERCY

 **MERCY:** Genji, I swear

 **HANZO:** Can someone care to explain why Hana and Reinhardt are frozen in the common room.

 **MCCREE:** hey wait

 **MCCREE:** how did you broke free, Ana?

 **ANA:** mei is fond of me

 **MEI:** I'm scared of Ana

 **MCCREE:** well that explains it

 **76:** to be fair, if you appreciate your life is good to be scared of Ana

 **REAPER:** That's true.

 **REAPER:** She once locked me in Jack's room because I accidentally stepped on her coat.

 **MCCREE:** why his room?

 **REAPER:** Like hell I know.

 **ANA:** oh, that was because Jack lied to me earlier lol

 **76:** what, when?

 **ANA:** boots.

 **76:** OKAY THAT WASN'T A LIE

 **MCCREE:** i loved that dog

 **ANA:** I don't believe you, Jack

 **76:** WINSTON TOOK THE DOG AWAY. NOT ME.

 **REAPER:** He's telling the true. He loved that dog.

 **ANA:** ...

 **ANA:** excuse me for a second

 **PHARAH:** I was going to ask why mom came running down the hall screaming "Justice" but now I know

 **GENJI:** rip Winston

 **MCCREE:** rip

 **PHARAH:** rip

 **REAPER:** Reap.

 **76:** Gabriel no.

 **REAPER:** Let me be.

 

 **DVA:** @MEI that was rude :(

 **MEI:** You were screaming too loud and I couldn't concentrate

 **DVA:** a simple "stop screaming" could have been enough

 **MEI:** Would have?

 **DVA:** ... no

 **MEI:** That's what I thought

 **HANZO:** No one answered my question.

 **GENJI:** just read the chat, it isn't going to kill you

 **GENJI:** even if you're fond of death

 **HANZO:** やめて

 **LÚCIO:** hold on

 **LÚCIO:** YOU USED TO HAVE A DOG?

 **GENJI:** yeah

 **GENJI:** his name was boots

 **PHARAH:** We all loved that dog. He knew so much tricks, it was adorable.

 **GENJI:** if you wanted to see gabe cry you just had to make boots do a trick and then bark

 **REAPER:** Don't expose me.

 **MCCREE:** that dog was the only good thing in the watchpoint

 **MCCREE:** and then Winston took him away

 **GENJI:** liao cried so much that day

 **76:** Gabe cried too

 **REAPER:** STOP EXPOSING ME.

 **DVA:** can we have a new dog?

 **76:** not if Winston is going to take it away again

 **DVA:** BUT DAD

 **76:** don't call me dad

 **TRACER:** Winston will forgive us

 **76:** how are you so sure?

 **TRACER:** because the second you started to talk about boots I went out and brought another dog

 **76:** you what

 **DVA:** I WANT TO SEE IT

 **TRACER:** it's in my room!

 **LÚCIO:** I could kiss you

 **PHARAH:** I want to see the dog too

 **TRACER:** her name is Maya!

 **GENJI:** @REINHARDT lena brought a dog

 **REINHARDT:** PUPPER

 **76:** oh god

 **REAPER:** Well, now that dog will suffer.

 **MCCREE:** honestly it was going to sooner or later

 **GENJI:** Maya is going to have so much crushing hugs from Reinhardt

 **76:** rip

 **MCCREE:** Reinhardt pls dont crush Maya

 **HANZO:** Why did you brought a dog.

 **GENJI:** because we can

 **MCCREE:** dogs are beautiful

 **76:** why not

 **HANZO:** I thought you were the responsible one, Jack.

 **76:** you thought wrong

 **DVA:** MAYA IS SO CUTE

 **DVA:** WINSTON WILL TOOK HER OVER MY DEAD BODY

 **JUNKRAT:** IM HEARING A DOG

 **DVA:** you're not coming anywhere near Maya

 **JUNKRAT:** WHY NOT?

 **DVA:** you're a dangerous person

 **JUNKRAT:** IM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING TO THE DOG

 **DVA:** YOU BLEW UP YOUR ROOM BECAUSE THERE WAS A SPIDER THERE

 **JUNKRAT:** THAT'S DIFFERENT

 **DVA:** HOW?

 **JUNKRAT:** SPIDERS ARE UGLY, DOGS ARENT

 **DVA:** fair point

 **DVA:** Maya is in Lena's room

 **JUNKRAT:** YEY

 **REAPER:** ...

 **76:** ...

 **76:** you want to see her, dont you?

 **REAPER:** Yeah.

 **76:** @TRACER

 **TRACER:** ...

 **TRACER:** if you keep Winston from taking Maya away you can see her

 **REAPER:** Deal.

 

 **WINSTON:** I thought I could trust you, Jack.

 **76:** since the day you took boots away my respect for you is dead.

 **WINSTON:** Wow.

 **MCCREE:** honestly same

 **GENJI:** same

 **TRACER:** same

 **ANA:** same

 **REAPER:** Same.

 **WINSTON:** You're not part of Overwatch anymore.

 **REAPER:** And I still don't respect you.

 **WINSTON:** I can't believe this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jack loving dogs is my aesthetic.


	3. Danger noodles in action

**REINHARDT:** i hate you all and i do hope ana shots you

 **MCCREE:** now, now. Don't put everyone in the same bag

 **REINHARDT:** I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS BASE EXCEPT WINSTON AND SATYA WOULD DO THIS

 **DVA:** says who

 **REINHARDT:** don't play smart with me. You're the principal suspect

 **DVA:** why the fuck?

 **REINHARDT:** MY ARMOR IS PINK, WHY DO YOU THINK?!

 **DVA:** whoever did that has a great taste

 **76:** however, Hana couldn't be. She was assisting Mei for the past three hours

 **REINHARDT:** you're still a suspect, Jack

 **76:** … My ass says that you better don't

 **MCCREE:** please don't

 **GENJI:** i came here and immediately read that why is this chat cursed

 **WINSTON:** Please don't refer to this communication channel as a chat or a chat room, you will gave Hana the power she doesn't need nor deserves.

 **GENJI:** the chat name is, literally, “prayer for Jack's ass”

 **WINSTON:** That's because, not matter how many times I change it, Ana, Hana and you will always find a way to change it back.

 **ANA:** i have the power to do it, I'm basically your boss

 **WINSTON:** That was before.

 **ANA:** are you challenging your boss?

 **REINHARDT:** I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY MY ARMOR IS PINK

 **TRACER:** i think i have the answer you're looking for, love!

 **TRACER:** Winston, please give me privileges for a second, since you took them away before

 **GENJI:** i miss the airhorn bot

 **TRACER:** SAME

 **WINSTON:** Please stop.

 **WINSTON:** Privileges granted.

**[TRACER added BRIGITTE LINDHOLM to PRAYER FOR JACK'S ASS]**

**REINHARDT:** what

 **TRACER:** there's your answer

**[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM changed to BRIGITTE]**

**BRIGITTE:** Hello there, uncle Reinhardt!

 **REINHARDT:** you painted my armor pink?

 **BRIGITTE:** I still needed revenge for the time you gave my cat a permanent lion mane.

 **BRIGITTE:** Besides, it was an exact copy of your armor made by me. Your original armor is safe on dad's quarters.

 **DVA:** i already love her

 **MERCY:** HELLO, GENJI SAID MY ELECTED CHILD IS BACK

 **BRIGITTE:** ANGELA!

 **MERCY:** BRIGITTE, MY DEAR, DEAR CHILD. WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?

 **MCCREE:** ive never seen Angela this excited since we brought Maya

 **TRACER:** we?

 **MCCREE:** fine, since you

 **MCCREE:** never knew you were this proud

 **TRACER:** i want full credit on everyone's happiness!

 **BRIGITTE:** YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT THERE'S A DOG ON THE BASE?

 **BRIGITTE:** I THOUGHT BOOTS WAS THE ONLY ONE

 **DVA:** hell no, we need more dogs

 **WINSTON:** We don't.

 **DVA:** we do

 **TRACER:** we totally do

 **REAPER:** You totally do.

 **WINSTON:** Stop.

 **HANZO:** If you're going to have a dog in the base, as irresponsible as that is, please teach her to don't enter my room and start chasing my dragons.

 **MCCREE:** oh, so those were the strange noises coming from your room

 **GENJI:** for once it wasn't you having sex with my brother

 **MCCREE:** dont

 **DVA:** OH GOD

 **DVA:** @LÚCIO COME HERE AND PAY ME YOU BEAUTIFUL SON OF A BITCH

 **LÚCIO:** DUDE! I WAS ABOUT TO WIN

 **HANZO:** You were betting about our sexual life.

 **DVA:** of course

 **HANZO:** Why am I not surprised.

 **GENJI:** why aren't you denying anything

 **HANZO:** Denying it would mean I'm ashamed of Jesse, which I'm not.

 **ANA:** jesse just turned completely red wtf

 **76:** I can see him from the practice field

 **GENJI:** why is Overwatch so gay

 **WINSTON:** I ask myself that question every day since the recall.

 **TRACER:** if even Winston is wondering about it then there's a real problem

 **BRIGITTE:** There's never a problem with being totally gay, though.

 **LÚCIO:** Amen.

 **DVA:** preach

 **76:** if only you had this commitment with missions

 **DVA:** shut up, mister “i sneak out on missions to make out with my husband”

 **76:** okay, that was one time

 **DVA:** you still did it

 **76:** i don't do it every mission

 **REAPER:** That's a shame.

 **76:** gabe, shut the fuck up

 **DVA:** lmao

 **LÚCIO:** This organization is a mess and I love it

 **GENJI:** in other news, Junkrat just scared Bastion by accident and there's an omnic tearing down the hangar walls

 **WINSTON:** I swear to God…

 **MERCY:** Why are you all the way you are.

 **DVA:** not even we know

 

 **SATYA:** I need to inform everyone that one of my turret prototypes disappeared. Considering is still an unstable piece, it would be dangerous to whoever has it.

 **76:** how did disappeared in the first place?

 **SATYA:** Even I need to go to the bathroom, Jack.

 **WINSTON:** Do you have any suspects on who could have taken your prototype?

 **SATYA:** Lúcio and Jamison.

 **DVA:** Lúcio is helping me set up some things for my stream, he couldn't do it

 **SATYA:** Then we have Jamison left.

 **JUNKRAT:** OI, DON'T BLAME ME FOR SOMETHING I DIDN'T DO

 **SATYA:** Unfortunately, I can't believe you.

 **JUNKRAT:** @MAKO

 **MAKO:** what

**[MAKO RUTLEDGE changed to ROADHOG]**

**JUNKRAT:** TELL THIS SHEILA I DIDN'T TOOK HER TURRET

 **ROADHOG:** when did it disappeared?

 **SATYA:** On the last twenty minutes.

 **ROADHOG:** it wasn't him

 **JUNKRAT:** HAH!

 **DVA:** how r u so sure?

 **ROADHOG:** he was taking his bath

 **DVA:** his what now

 **ROADHOG:** he takes a daily bath since he discovered bath bombs

 **LÚCIO:** You guys didn't knew? He has an entire collection and everything

 **GENJI:** and how do you know that?

 **LÚCIO:** im

 **REAPER:** Everyone is gay, what do you think?

 **GENJI:** tru

 **LÚCIO:** I'M ONLY HIS FRIEND!

 **GENJI:** forgive me if I don't believe you

 **DVA:** same

 **LÚCIO:** guys why.

 **SATYA:** This doesn't change the fact that my turret prototype is still missing.

 **GENJI:** hold on. Satya, how is this prototype?

 **SATYA:** It's almost the same as my current turrets, but I added a bright automated line on the sides that detects more easily who's the enemy by a band I will give you all later on.

 **GENJI:** bright you say

 **GENJI:** @HANZO

 **HANZO:** What.

 **GENJI:** read

 **HANZO:** …

 **HANZO:** Oh no.

 **DVA:** lmao, what was that

 **GENJI:** Hanzo's dragons are attracted to bright objects, especially Sora

 **WINSTON:** You're telling me there's a spiritual dragon on the base carrying an unstable turret prototype.

 **GENJI:** pretty much, yeah

 **WINSTON:** Everyone, please stay in your quarters until Hanzo controls the situation.

 **WINSTON:** … I will take that scream as a clue that someone didn't stayed on their quarters.

 **MERCY:** WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

 **MERCY:** HANZO, I WILL MURDER YOUR DRAGON

 **HANZO:** Please don't.

 **MCCREE:** talking about missing things, my hat is missing

 **HANZO:** I CAN ONLY CONTROL ONE DRAGON AT THE SAME TIME IF THEY'RE SEPARATED, FUCK OFF JESSE.

 **MCCREE:** im

 **GENJI:** lmao

 **MCCREE:** i dont even know what to say

 **ZARYA:** Is there a reason why a green dragon is playing on the training room with a stupid hat on its head?

 **GENJI:** oh

 **BRIGITTE:** This is a mess and I love it.

 **ANA:** welcome to Overwatch, my dear

 

 **TORBJÖRN:** excuse me, but what the fuck is my daughter doing here?

 **BRIGITTE:** I'm here because everyone's gay.

 **TORBJÖRN:** Brigitte why.

 **TRACER:** payback bitch

 **TORBJÖRN:** wtf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking one month writing this chapter, a lot of things happened on February.  
> I bring this update to you with a new character and a new pairing since I lost my love for the previous one.


	4. Save Winston

**DVA:** mom says its my turn to use the xbox

 **LÚCIO:** wtf, why the outdated meme

 **DVA:** im bored

 **DVA:** WHY WASN'T I ALLOWED TO BRING MY GAMES, BUT EVERYONE ELSE BROUGHT TOYS??? 

 **WINSTON:** These are our weapons.

 **DVA:** TOYS.

 **WINSTON:** I will not have this discussion.

 **MCCREE:** care to explain why is Reyes here?

 **WINSTON:** ...

 **WINSTON:** He what now.

 **MCCREE:** @76 DONT SNEAK YOUR HUSBAND ON OUR MISSIONS WTH

 **76:** what

 **76:** I didn't sneak up anyone???

 **76:** wtf since when is he here

 **ANA:** lmao

 **MCCREE:** ANA?!

 **ANA:** wasnt me, its just funny to see you all this confused

 **MCCREE:** how the fuck

 

**[§§§§§ entered GENJI FUCKED A FURRY]**

 

 **MCCREE:** i still hate that name and its not even me being incriminated

 **§§§§§:** qué carajos

 **§§§§§:** how is this supposed to be an Overwatch communication channel with that title?

 **WINSTON:** I ask myself that question every day.

 **WINSTON:** Not important, though. Who are you?

 **§§§§§:** just a friend

 **§§§§§:** especially Zarya's friend

 **ZARYA:** ...

 **ZARYA:** She's Sombra.

 **§§§§§:** youre not fun

 

**[§§§§§ changed to SOMBRA]**

 

 **MCCREE:** the fuck are you doing here

 **SOMBRA:** im the best hacker in the world, i can do whatever i want

 **MCCREE:** ... you're the reason why Reyes is here, aren't you?

 **SOMBRA:** yep

 **MCCREE:** gfdi

 **REAPER:** This wasn't my idea and I'm not leaving.

 **MCCREE:** leave

 **REAPER:** Reinhardt is making tacos, I'm not going to let him food poison my husband.

 **MCCREE:** wait, you gonna cook?

 **REAPER:** Not for you.

 **MCCREE:** its been 30 years and you're still so fucking whipped

 **REAPER:** Shut the fuck up.

 **ANA:** i just saw Genji walk to the kitchen, stay in the doorway staring at Gabriel for 10 seconds and then leave without saying a word

 **MCCREE:** don't blame him

 

 **SATYA:** ... Why is another Talon member here?

 **WINSTON:** She's the best hacker in the world, I'm pretty sure she's going to hack her way in no matter what I do.

 **SOMBRA:** youre very right

 **WINSTON:** Besides, it's not like there's important information being leaked here and I kind of gave up at this point.

 **GENJI:** someone pls save Winston

 **GENJI:** hes a good bean

 **LÚCIO:** I already give him a weakly supply of peanut butter because I appreciate his work. :^)

 **SOMBRA:** you do it so you can fuck junkrat anywhere outside your rooms without being told on

 **LÚCIO:** YUSLKALKDLKALD

 **GENJI:** HAH

 **GENJI:** I KNEW IT

 **LÚCIO:** SHE'S LYING

 **SOMBRA:** oh, am i?

 **SOMBRA:** because i have very interesting footage that proves me right 

 **GENJI:** please dont

 **DVA:** i actually appreciate they don't do it on their rooms because mine is on front of Lúcio's

 **LÚCIO:** ...

 **LÚCIO:** This can't leave the base, Sombra

 **SOMBRA:** what do i gain from that?

 **LÚCIO:** ... early demos of my new songs?

 **SOMBRA:** i would have done it for free, but ok

 **GENJI:** you just got fucked

 **GENJI:** and this time not by Junkrat

 **LÚCIO:** Genji don't test my love for you by making those jokes

 **GENJI:** ????

 **LÚCIO:** Jamie is still pretty self-conscious, and I'm trying to make him feel more comfortable with himself. If he sees you guys making fun of us he's going to feel bad, so please don't do it

 **DVA:** we dont deserve Lúcio

 **GENJI:** pls protecc

 **ZARYA:** he protecc

 **ZARYA:** he atacc

 **ZARYA:** but most importantly, he loves rat with all his heart

 **DVA:** HOLY FUCK

 **GENJI:** ZARYA CAN MEME????

 **ZARYA:** There's a lot of me that you don't know yet, friend.

 **GENJI:** i feel like i just witnessed a miracle

 **DVA:** i feel like my life is a lie

 **ZARYA:** Stop being drama queens.

 **MEI:** @everyone, Angela and I need assistance in the kitchen.

 **MCCREE:** what is happening?

 **MERCY:** Reinhardt and Gabriel are fighting over who is in cooking duty today.

 **MCCREE:** Reyes isn't even a part of Overwatch anymore

 **MERCY:** You explain him that.

 **MEI:** Apparently Reinhardt is not in favor of one person missing his cooking.

 **MEI:** But Gabriel is being whipped.

 **MEI:** I just wanted chocolate.

 **PHARAH:** working on it

 **WINSTON:** ... What did just blow up?

 **MEI:** One of Pharah's rocket launchers.

 **MEI:** ... And half of the kitchen.

 **WINSTON:** Why.

 **TRACER:** OI, YOU SCARED MAYA.

 **HANZO:** Was that really necessary.

 **REINHARDT:** I'm offended.

 **PHARAH:** I was trying to sleep and you two keep screaming.

 **PHARAH:** I'm sorry if I'm not in a good mood to put up with your childlike discussions.

 **REAPER:** It wasn't childlike. 

 **REAPER:** Reinhardt cooking could kill you all.

 **PHARAH:** Good.

 **LÚCIO:** Why all the girls in Overwatch are this scary when they're mad?

 **MCCREE:** you havent seen Lena mad

 **GENJI:** and you dont want to

 **REAPER:** Yes, you don't really want to.

 **LÚCIO:** Why?

 **REAPER:** Don't ask questions you're not ready to know the answer to.

 **LÚCIO:** ... Understood.

 

 **WINSTON:** Everyone, head to the shipping docks in ten minutes. We're leaving to the meeting point.

 **MCCREE:** yeah, 'bout that

 **MCCREE:** Bastion got kinda stuck on the doorframe of the common room

 **WINSTON:** ... Bastion isn't supposed to enter the common room in first place.

 **MCCREE:** it was a bet

 **76:** i can hear Winston sighing from here

 **WINSTON:** I can't assist you right now, I'm helping Lena warm up the ship's motor.

 **WINSTON:** Please ask any teammate to help you, and go to the shipping dock in ten minutes.

 **DVA:** yeah, that's not happening

 **SATYA:** ... Care to explain what is that omnic doing stuck in that doorframe?

 **MCCREE:** it was Sombra's idea

 **REAPER:** And you went with it.

 **MCCREE:** ... yeah?

 **REAPER:** Unbelievable.

 **SOMBRA:** lmao, i didnt thought you would do it

 **MCCREE:** i never back up from a challenge

 **REAPER:** And that's partially the reason why you only have one arm.

 **MCCREE:** Shut it.

 **DVA:** ew, mccree is using proper punctuation

 **DVA:** pops please dont make mccree angry look what he does

 **REAPER:** Don't call me that.

 **SOMBRA:** call him gabe

 **REAPER:** Don't call me that either. 

 **DVA:** Gabrielito?

 **REAPER:** Don't call me.

 **76:** gabe, stop being a party pooper

 **REAPER:** Stop being soft with them.

 **REAPER:** If anyone is the dad here, it's you.

 **76:** im... not?

 **TRACER:** guys, there's no more orange juice

 **76:** i will get some in the way back

 **TRACER:** thanks pops!

 **REAPER:** You were saying?

 **76:** oh shut it edgelord

 **MCCREE:** BASTION'S FREE!

 **GENJI:** so is half of that wall

 **WINSTON:** You will pay for that, Genji.

 **GENJI:** WHY ME?!

 **WINSTON:** I don't care, just get in the shipping dock.

 **GENJI:** Un-fucking-believable

 

**[SOMBRA added WIDOWMAKER to GENJI FUCKED A FURRY]**

 

 **TRACER:** WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?

 **WIDOWMAKER:** What am I doing here?

 **SOMBRA:** i wanted my bff here too

 **WIDOWMAKER:** This was not was I was expecting when you gave me this communicator...

 **WIDOWMAKER:** And I thought Reaper was your best friend.

 **SOMBRA:** hes more of a parental figure

 **WIDOWMAKER:** Gross.

 **TRACER:** you're gross!

 **WIDOWMAKER:** Oh, great, the mosquito is here.

 **WIDOWMAKER:** Actually... What is this?

 **SOMBRA:** overwatchs secret chatroom

 **WIDOWMAKER:** ... I don't understand why I have to be here, but I suppose you will not gave up on having me here.

 **SOMBRA:** nope

 **WIDOWMAKER:** You're a nuisance.

 **ANA:** ...

 **ANA:** so

 **ANA:** @MCCREE come back here you little bitch you owe me 50 dollars

 **MCCREE:** NO WAY

 **ANA:** dont make me get my sleep dart

 **DVA:** i wasn't expecting grandma to rekt you like this

 **MCCREE:** THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANTED TO PLAY

 **SATYA:** Please stop running in front of my office.

 **MERCY:** If any of you get hurt I will not assist you.

 **WIDOWMAKER:** ... This is supposed to be the organization that posses a threat to Talon?

 **SOMBRA:** shocking, right?

 **WIDOWMAKER:** Moira has to know this.

 **SOMBRA:** SHIT, ARAÑA, NO!

 **REAPER:** Great job, Sombra.

 **SOMBRA:** cállate anciano

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would apologize but I'm mad for the nerfs Blizzard gave Lúcio and Junkrat, so just have this while I mourn my dead babies.


	5. Kill the cowboy

**BRIGITTE:** I can't believe this.

 **MCCREE:** listen, it isn't our fault

 **BRIGITTE:** I can't actually believe this.

 **76:** what did you dipshits did now?

 **MCCREE:** NOTHING!

 **GENJI:** if you think through it, its Zaryas fault

 **ZARYA:** Blame me once more, I dare you

 **BRIGITTE:** I can't fucking believe this.

 **76:** she swore

 **76:** great, you broke her

 **GENJI:** BUT IT WASNT US!

 **WINSTON:** What is happening?

 **BRIGITTE:** Jesse, Genji and Lena broke my armor.

 **WINSTON:** ... How?

 **BRIGITTE:** Like hell I know!

 **BRIGITTE:** When I came into the workshop those three were trying to put together everything!

 **BRIGITTE:** AND THEY WERE PUTTING IT WRONG!

 **76:** oh god, caps

 **76:** you all are so dead

 **GENJI:** IT WAS ZARYA!

 **ZARYA:** Don't push me, robot

 **MCCREE:** i literally did nothing wrong, i was trying to help them not get killed!

 **BRIGITTE:** Guilty by association.

 **MCCREE:** fucking

 **WINSTON:** How did you managed to broke her armor in the first place? 

 **GENJI:** it wasnt us! when we went there it was already broken!

 **WINSTON:** You are making very hard to believe in you.

 **GENJI:** HOW?! 

 **WINSTON:** By being you.

 **TRACER:** OI THIS WAS GENJI'S FAULT

 **GENJI:** WHAT???

 **BRIGITTE:** Prepare to die.

 **GENJI:** BUT IT WASNT ME

 **GENJI:** WHOEVER IS BLASTING IM A BAD BITCH YOU CANT KILL ME ON A LOOP IS GETTING A FUCKING SWORD UP THEIR ASSHOLE

 **DVA:** this is a disaster i love it

 **MCCREE:** so, we can asume Genji is dead again, right?

 **TRACER:** yep

 **MCCREE:** okay good, just checking in

 **WINSTON:** If Brigitte breaks something chasing Genji down you are paying for it, Jesse.

 **MCCREE:** worth it

 **DVA:** there's something i don't understand

 **MCCREE:** shot

 **DVA:** why was genji blaming zarya?

 **MCCREE:** oh it was zarya

 **TRACER:** yup

 **ZARYA:** We all agreed we were going to get the cyborg to take the blame. It worked out for us.

 **DVA:** lmao assholes

 **WINSTON:** Brigitte can read the chat...

 **76:** im sure they dont care

 **MCCREE:** by the time she reads this her anger will be gone

 **TRACER:** yeh

 **MCCREE:** Lena you're answering with monosyllables only and it's freaking me out

 **TRACER:** yah

 **MCCREE:** guys Lena is broken

 **76:** its a blessing, dont say anything

 **MCCREE:** but she's broken

 **76:** blessing

 **WINSTON:** Please, don't say anything.

 **MCCREE:** wow okay

 

 **TRACER:** did you guys know im extremely gay

 **MCCREE:** hey look she's back

 **LÚCIO:**  Where were you?

 **TRACER:** after we got genji killed (rip) i got in a videocall with Emily and i cried because shes beautiful

 **MCCREE:** notice how she writes poorly but she capitalizes Emily's name

 **MCCREE:** that's true gayness

 **TRACER:** oi my gf is beautiful, let me be

 **LÚCIO:** True gayness is the best gayness tho

 **TRACER:** SEE? LÚCIO GETS IT

 **MCCREE:** because he's equally gay

 **LÚCIO:** Untrue, get your facts right

 **MCCREE:** untrue?

 **LÚCIO:** You're insulting my bisexual ass  >:^|

 **MCCREE:** welp

 **SOMBRA:** aye, another bisexual fella

 **LÚCIO:** ayeee

 **MCCREE:** you're awfully quiet

 **SOMBRA:** i had work

 **REAPER:** Since when stealing all my fucking masks is your work. 

 **SOMBRA:** i got paid to do it, its a work

 **REAPER:** You what now.

 **SOMBRA:** one of my clients is now very satisfied with my services

 **76:** im honestly pretty upset because i didnt think of that before

 **REAPER:** It wasn't you then.

 **76:** nope

 **ANA:** thanks sweetie

 **SOMBRA:** anytime

 **REAPER:** Ana what the fuck.

 **ANA:** the edgy act doesnt suit you. it gets pretty boring after a while

 **REAPER:** It's not an edgy act.

 **REAPER:** It's the expression of my soul.

 **76:** im divorcing you

 **REAPER:** None of you understand the true art of expressing yourself through clothing.

 **76:** stop this

 **REAPER:** And black is a great color to express the emptiness in your heart.

 **76:** @WIDOWMAKER kill me

 **WIDOWMAKER:** Non.

 **LÚCIO:** What is even happening here?

 **ANA:** exactly what i planned

 **76:** ana why

 **ANA:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/ ¯

 **DVA:** whoever showed her that just sentenced the entire base

 **DVA:** and for that, i must thank you, mysterious hero

 **WIDOWMAKER:** Pathetic.

 **TRACER:** your ass is pathetic!

 **WIDOWMAKER:** ...

 **DVA:** ...

 **ANA:** ...

 **TRACER:** okay, she has a great ass, but shes still awful

 **WIDOWMAKER:** Merci.

 **TRACER:** IT WASNT A COMPLIMENT!

 **LÚCIO:** Yeah, I'm still lost

 **MCCREE:** guys i lost my arm

 **SOMBRA:** theyre just being petty towards gabe

 **REAPER:** Shut it.

 **MCCREE:** guys

 **ANA:** can no do, youre stuck with our bullying towards your emo ass

 **MCCREE:** guys pls

 **DVA:** i love this

 **MCCREE:** ...

 

 **PHARAH:** WHAT

 **BRIGITTE:** WHO SHOT THE ROUTER?

 **MCCREE:** *sticks me leggy up* :3c

 **SATYA:** Stop. 

 **DVA:** I WAS ABOUT TO START A FUCKING CO-OP WITH SOME OF MY FOLLOWERS, YOU ASSHOLE

 **PHARAH:** And this is the day Jesse dies

 **BRIGITTE:** He deserves it

 **PHARAH:** Yeah

 **PHARAH:** Want to have some coffee?

 **BRIGITTE:** Sure

 **MCCREE:** YOU'RE STILL IGNORING ME?

 **MCCREE:** FUCK HANA IS GOING TO KILL ME

 

 **GENJI:** i crave death

 **MERCY:** Don't joke around about that, Hanzo might hear you

 **HANZO:** I don't deserve this.

 **GENJI:** untrue

 **HANZO:** ...

 **HANZO:** You're a little whiny bitch.

 **GENJI:** >:000000

 **SOMBRA:** lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im not dead  
> I think


	6. Civil War - Part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternative title: The time the base got frozen and everyone hated each other

**MEI:** Uhm, I'm sorry for the chose of words, but...

 **MEI:** WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK WHERE YOU ALL COCK SUCKERS CUNTS THINKING WHEN YOU DESTROYED MY ENTIRE LABORATORY, YOU BITCHES

 **MCCREE:** my virgin ears

 **76:** who did it

 **MEI:** THAT I WOULD LIKE TO FUCKING KNOW!

 **MCCREE:** who pissed off Mei this badly, what the hell

 **WINSTON:** I'm currently rewinding the security footage.

 **MEI:** FINALLY, SOMEONE THAT USES HIS BRAIN!

 **MEI:** GOD GAVE YOU ALL THOSE FOR YOU TO USE THEM, YOU SELFISH WHORES!

 **MCCREE:** @ONU help

 **WINSTON:** ...

 **WINSTON:** I can't believe this

 **MEI:** WHAT?!

 **WINSTON:** @SATYA Care to explain yourself?

 **MEI:** YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS BEFORE I USE YOU AS A WINDOW CLEANER

 **SATYA:** Revenge.

 **MEI:** EX-FUCKING-CUSE ME?

 **SATYA:** Dr. Zhou froze one of my laptops, making the two terabytes of schemes, prototypes, investigations and photos of cute kittens go to waste and become practically useless.

 **MCCREE:** photos of cute kittens?

 **SATYA:** I wanted to take the high road, but those were years of work, so I only have one thing to say.

 **SATYA:** Eat dirt, bitch.

 **MCCREE:** i'm fucking dying

 **WINSTON:** This can't be good...

 **76:** two of the smarter women on the base basically declared war to each other

 **76:** i propose we move bases and let them kill each other

 **WINSTON:** You can't be serious.

 **76:** im dead serious

 **76:** if there is someone im afraid of when shes mad, that would be mei

 **MCCREE:** had to be with him on this

 **MCCREE:** Lena, Mei and Satya are some of the persons you definitely don't want to piss off

 **MCCREE:** be glad that Lena hasn't been added to this fuckery

 **TRACER:** WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

 **76:** you had to jinx it, didnt you?

 **MCCREE:** well, fuck me sideways then

 **TRACER:** I PASS A LOT OF THINGS TO ALL OF YOU, YOU DEVIL COCKSUCKERS, BUT THIS BLOWS THE LINE

 **WINSTON:** What happened, Lena?

 **TRACER:** SOMEONE DELETED ALL OF MY PICTURES WITH EMILY

 **TRACER:** SHE LIVES IN LONDON, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS, THOSE PICTURES ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MAKE ME HAPPY UNTIL I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE HER

 **SATYA:** You must ask Dr. Zhou, she has s tendency to delete important information from other's computers.

 **MEI:** ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!

 **SATYA:** You see me laughing?

 **TRACER:** HOW COULD YOU, MEI?!

 **WINSTON:** I'm going to take your word on moving bases now, Jack.

 **76:** good

 

 **LÚCIO:** I'm concerned about the wellbeing of the girls and the base

 **GENJI:** that poor base just keeps getting destroyed

 **PHARAH:** I'm on Egypt, what exactly happened?

 **GENJI:** civil war between satya, mei and lena

 **PHARAH:** Holy shit

 **PHARAH:** That can't be good

 **GENJI:** the west wing was already frozen before we left

 **ANA:** bitches, thats where i keep my booze

 **MCCREE:** it probably testes better at -30°c

 **ANA:** but thats the temperature of gabriels heart, and we all know how distasteful that is

 **REAPER:** Hey now, what was that for.

 **ANA:** my booze is a victim on a civil war on the base, let me have this, is everything i have left

 **PHARAH:** Wow

 **ANA:** and you, of course, my beautiful daughter

 **REAPER:** You surely know plenty of people, make fun of them.

 **ANA:** but thats not fun

 **REAPER:** You're 60, act like it.

 **ANA:** no

 **ZARYA:** Did the cyborg said west wing?

 **GENJI:** yep

 **ZARYA:** ... Isn't that where the armory is?

 **WINSTON:** ...

 **GENJI:** ...

 **ANA:** ...

 **LÚCIO:** Well, shit

 **JUNKRAT:** GOOD THING I BOUGHT MAYA WITH ME, THEN

 **PHARAH:** The only one that matters

 **WINSTON:** Satya, Mei and Lena are there...

 **PHARAH:** They bought this on themselves, didn't they?

 **MCCREE:** that's cold

 **PHARAH:** So are my rockets on that armory, so

 **PHARAH:** Though shit

 **SOMBRA:** what the fuck is happening on your base, all i see through the cameras is ice and destruction

 **MCCREE:** you don't want to know the answer to that question

 **SOMBRA:** no i absolutely want to know

 **MCCREE:** if you must...

 **SOMBRA:** i must

 **MCCREE:** Mei, Satya and Lena are fighting to death, and the winner gets to fuck you

 **SOMBRA:** har har

 **GENJI:** lmao

 **REINHARDT:** I've never been more grateful for not being at the base during a fight

 **SOMBRA:** you regret not being there to see them fighting?

 **REINHARDT:** Of course!

 **REINHARDT:** I want to make sure they don't actually kill each other, someone has to!

 **REINHARDT:** But seeing who are the ones fighting I would be the one ending dead

 **GENJI:** u r very correct there

 **MCCREE:** Reinhardt is the reason why Winston and Angela don't intervene on fights

 **WINSTON:** You shouldn't fight in the first place...

 **MCCREE:** not happening

 **SOMBRA:** so basically no one is going to intervene in the fight?

76: theyre grown women, theyre going to find a way to resolve this peacefully

 **SOMBRA:** and if they dont?

 **76:** it would most certainly end peacefully

 **SOMBRA:** youre awfully confident on your words

 **76:** seeing as two of those three are some of the most (and only) capable members of this team, im sure they are going to find a way to solve this without harm on themselves

 **MCCREE:** what about the base?

 **76:** we have torbjorn for that

 **TORBJÖRN:** Hold on a fucking minute

 **TORBJÖRN:** You idiots aren't doing anything to prevent this, don't expect me to repair anything. I'm not a babysitter to clean after their disaster!

 **76:** you literally get a bonus on your paycheck to babysit everyone in the base

 **TORBJÖRN:** ... I hate all of you

 

 **BRIGITTE:** ... We can't leave without disaster happening, can we?

 **MERCY:** I didn't said anything when Winston sent me the coordinates of a new base, but I wasn't expecting all of this

 **BASTION:** :(

 **GENJI:** they destroyed bastion garden!

 **BASTION:** :'(

 **DVA:** they made him sad

 **DVA:** im going in

 **MCCREE:** we strongly advise you not to

 **DVA:** but they made bastion sad! that's practically a crime!

 **MCCREE:** while that's true, entering that base in its current state is a death wish

 **LÚCIO:** You should have mentioned that before

 **LÚCIO:** I'm going in

 **MCCREE:** ...

 **MCCREE:** you okay, pal?

 **LÚCIO:** I have several problems

 **LÚCIO:** I'm going to cuddle with my boyfriend, bye

 **GENJI:** concerns, concerns

 **MCCREE:** yeah...

 **MCCREE:** man, everyone in this team is fucked in some way, huh?

 **DVA:** now that i really think about it

 **DVA:** who deleted lena photos with her gf?

 **MCCREE:** hey, yeah

 **MCCREE:** who did it? that was uncalled for

 **MCCREE:** @WINSTON help us

 **WINSTON:** If you are truly concerned about it, I'm going to inspect the security footage... Again.

 **MCCREE:** thanks, big guy!

 **WINSTON:** Don't mention it.

 **WINSTON:** Really, don't do it.

 **MCCREE:** noted

 **BRIGITTE:** It's nice to see that you truly care about her

 **MCCREE:** she's our friend

 **MCCREE:** if someone upsets her, i want to find out who did it

 **GENJI:** youre loading your gun, arent you

 **MCCREE:** yep

 **HANZO:** ... Why is the base frozen.

 **GENJI:** holy shit, we forgot to tell hanzo

 **HANZO:** Tell me what.

 **MCCREE:** the base is now a war zone

 **HANZO:** ...

 **HANZO:** I have something there that I don't want to end up frozen.

 **HANZO:** My room is still out of the harm, I'm going in

 **MCCREE:** wait, babe, don't

 **GENJI:** ... and hes gone

 **MCCREE:** this just got awfully personal

 **BRIGITTE:** Please stop loading extra guns

 **MCCREE:** not happening

 **WINSTON:** I know who deleted Lena's photos with his girlfriend

 **MCCREE:** who did it, I'm ready to kick his ass

 **WINSTON:** ... Remember that time I told you about Hammond?

 **MCCREE:** ...

 **GENJI:** holy shit

 **GENJI:** we are in war with a hamster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, everyone, and I bring with me drama


	7. Civil War - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or the time everyone embarrassed Genji to death

**DVA:** one time i avoided a guy hitting on me by holding the closest hand available  
  
**DVA:** that hand was of a news reporter from Korea

 **DVA:** Park Ji-hye-eonni pls call me back

 **LÚCIO:** Isn't she like 30 tho

 **DVA:** my sugar mommy uwu

 **GENJI:** NO

 **GENJI:** NO UWU CULTURE ALLOWED

 **DVA:** stfu ur a fucking weeb

 **GENJI:** and i still dont use uwu

 **GENJI:** i have limits

 **MCCREE:** i'm curious on how that turned out

 **DVA:** OH!

 **DVA:** unnie saw how uncomfortable i was with the guy hitting on me and she played along

 **DVA:** she even scolded the guy for flirting with girls that obviously want nothing to do with him lol

 **DVA:** im so glad there werent any paparazzis around, that wouldve been a shit show to clear out

 **MCCREE:** this girls seems like someone i would trust my phone password with

 **DVA:** same

 **LÚCIO:** Are we ignoring that she capitalized this girl's name correctly?

 **DVA:** excuse you

 **DVA:** i have manners

 **GENJI:** yeah, sure

 **GENJI:** soba still doesnt want to approach you

 **DVA:** HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW SHE DOESN'T LIKE KIMCHI?

 **DVA:** and i'm still offended by that

 **GENJI:** soba is a picky eater

 **DVA:** soba can eat my ass

 **LÚCIO:** That's bestialism

 **DVA:** LUCIO YOU DUISFHDUIGFDG

 **GENJI:** im going to bleach my eyes now then, bye

 **MCCREE:** fucking god

 **BRIGITTE:** I'm concerned about your mental sanity, guys.

 **MCCREE:** only thing i can tell you about that is that it doesn't exist

 **DVA:** but we're not half bad without lena here

 **MCCREE:** this stupid war tore our group apart

 **BRIGITTE:** I'm worried about the girls...

 **BRIGITTE:** They've been going on this dispute for a day now.

 **MCCREE:** dispute she says

 **ANA:** yeah, not really a reason to be worried about, this is mild considering you have mei and lena there

 **DVA:** MILD?????

 **BRIGITTE:** And I know that, but I still don't want them to be hurt.

 **DVA:** UHM EXCUSE ME, MILD???????

 **MCCREE:** wdym

 **DVA:** THE ENTIRE BASE IS FROZEN AND YOU CALL THIS MILD???

 **ANA:** at least there's still a base lmao

 **HANZO:** The kitchen is still unfrozen.

 **ANA:** smart girls, see?

 **MCCREE:** HANZO, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU.

 **HANZO:** I retrieved what I was looking for, but Mei saw me and now I'm hidden in the vents.

 **GENJI:** mood

 **MCCREE:** YOU'RE IN THE V E N T S????

 **DVA:** rn jesse is the definition of gay panic

 **LÚCIO:** what a mood

 **MCCREE:** STOP SAYING MOOD YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS

 **DVA:** lmao

 **ANA:** you forgot your own panic easily, hana

 **DVA:** jesse is having bigger problems

 **GENJI:** man, now i understand why hanzo killed me all those years ago

 **GENJI:** he has death wishes of his own

 **HANZO:** Shut the fuck up, you unwanted child.

 **GENJI:** wwwwww

 **MCCREE:** HI PLEASE STOP IGNORING ME??????

 **HANZO:** I'm on the kitchen vents, so I'm not freezing to death.

 **MCCREE:** THAT ISN'T MY CONCERN HERE

 **HANZO:** I'm not some damsel in need of rescuing, Jesse, I can handle this.

 **MCCREE:** CAN YOU, THOUGH?

 **BRIGITTE:** You're new here, you haven't seen the rage of these three ladies together.

 **DVA:** thats hot

 **BRIGITTE:** NOT WHAT I MEANT, HANA!

 **DVA:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/ ¯

 **SOMBRA:** if you know who caused this, why havent you tried to stop them?

 **DVA:** do we look like we have a death wish?

 **LÚCIO:** I was going to, but Jamie panicked and now I'm grounded :(

 **DVA:** grounded???

 **LÚCIO:** Roadhog grounded me

 **DVA:** LMAO

 **GENJI:** i mean, hanzo can tell them to stop

 **HANZO:** Sure, and get obliterated in the process.

 **MCCREE:** PLEASE DON'T

 **HANZO:** Can you stop?

 **MCCREE:** ???????

 **MCCREE:** I'M WORRIED THAT YOU CAN DIE!!!

 **HANZO:** Yes, stop that, is annoying.

 **BRIGITTE:** My God.

 **DVA:** jesse is dying

 **MCCREE:** i dont even know what to say

 **DVA:** JESSE DONT CHANGE YOUR TYPING STYLE LIKE THAT

 **MCCREE:** WHAT DOES IT MATTERS

 **DVA:** A LOT

 **ANA:** the biggest concern here

 **WIDOWMAKER:** If only I could feel emotions to let you know how embarrassing you are.

 **DVA:** shut it, we know

 

 **WINSTON:** I sent Orisa to stop them and, hopefully, at least Lena will come back.

 **MERCY:** Why only Lena?

 **WINSTON:** Dr. Zhou and Mrs. Vaswani still have personal problems of their own, so it's wise to don't get in the middle of that.

 **LÚCIO:** I'm concerned about Orisa now

 **GENJI:** ^

 **DVA:** ^^

 **BASTION:** ^^^

 **WINSTON:** I can assure you all that nothing will harm Orisa.

 **BASTION:** ( ͡° _ʖ ͡°)

 **WINSTON:** I promise you, Bastion, nothing and no one will harm her.

 **BASTION:** ^-^

 **LÚCIO:** Pure

 **DVA:** baby boy. baby

 **LÚCIO:** *slides a picture of jack on the table*

 **DVA:** evil

 **76:** i can sense you fuckers talking shit about me

 **DVA:** whats funny is that is true

 **76:** what did i even do now

 **DVA:** marry the human embodiment of 2006

 **76:** you think i dont regret that?

 **REAPER:** Bitch.

 **GENJI:** HANA STOP DONT CAUSE A COUPLE FIGHT

 **GENJI:** DONT YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME THEY FOUGHT??

 **GENJI:** SWITZERLAND. SWITZERLAND HAPPENED

 **PHARAH:** I read that without context and I was so confused for a solid second.

 **ANA:** same

 **BRIGITTE:** What is your problem with Switzerland, Genji?

 **REAPER:** He has a problem with a lot of things. 

 **REAPER:** He's a troubled child. 

 **GENJI:** hey, kindly fuck off

 **REAPER:** Make me. 

 **76:** stop it, you two

 **REINHARDT:** I CAN TELL YOU HIS PROBLEM WITH SWITZERLAND!

 **GENJI:** REINHARDT DONT DO THIS

 **DVA:** Reinhardt please do this

 **LÚCIO:** I'm begging you, big guy

 **ANA:** lmao this is my favorite story involving genji

 **GENJI:** THE SENTIMENT IS NOT A SHARED ONE

 **REINHARDT:** So! We were on break, waiting for Jack and Gabriel to finish debriefing so we could go back to Gibraltar

 **REINHARDT:** And Jesse was hungry, so we went to eat a fondue

 **DVA:** i'm loving this

 **GENJI:** im not

 **REINHARDT:** Genji thought it would be wise to throw Jesse a piece of cheese, and he took it with humor. Only problem was that, when Jesse tried to throw Genji something back, he throw it, with boiling cheese included

 **REINHARDT:** The cheese melted on top of one of the mobilization cords, and for the next nine hours Genji was stuck on the same position

 **REINHARDT:** An old man yelling at a cloud

 **DVA:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 **LÚCIO:** The mental image alone is priceless

 **ANA:** tell them the rest

 **GENJI:** please dont im begging you to stop

 **REINHARDT:** Right! So, we got in the Orca, and Jack and Gabriel joined us shortly after

 **REINHARDT:** And Genji didn't saw them, so he was walking towards the pilot cabin and he stumbled across the two of them. Surely, he punched Gabriel in the face, and when Jack demanded an explanation he turned around towards Jack, punching Gabriel in the face again

 **REINHARDT:** And to shorten this story, Genji was banned from the Orca while being on that position

 **DVA:** then how did you guys got him back

 **REINHARDT:** Gabriel and Jack tied him up on the outside of the Orca

 **DVA:** JJKAKLSLLDLKSKJD

 **GENJI:** IT WASNT FUNNY!

 **GENJI:** THE FUCKING BIRDS WERE ALWAYS COLLIDING WITH ME OR SHITTING ON ME

 **GENJI:** ONE ALMOST PEKED MY EYE OUT BECAUSE I COULDNT PUT ON MY FACE PLATE

 **GENJI:** I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT STORY

 **LÚCIO:** I loved that story

 **GENJI:** fuck you too

 **BRIGITTE:** I will admit I laughed at the story, I'm sorry Genji

 **PHARAH:** I'm not sorry to tell I laughed as well

 **GENJI:** why must you hate me, fareeha

 **PHARAH:** You haven't paid me the 20$ you owe me

 **GENJI:** oooooooh

 **GENJI:** bye

 **PHARAH:** bitch

 

 **ORISA:** The situation was settled down successfully. The base is being restored and Dr. Zhou, Ms. Vaswani and Ms. Oxton had promised to stop their dispute calmly.

 **LÚCIO:** ... How...

 **ORISA:** I talked with them and explained what really happened and that our common enemy is Hammond! ^^

 **WINSTON:** That's not...

 **LÚCIO:** Shush. She did a good work

 **ORISA:** Thank you, Mr. Santos!

 **LÚCIO:** Please call me Lúcio

 **ORISA:** Understood, Lúcio!

 **ORISA:** On that note, Mr. McCree, Mr. Shimada is safe and returning to the temporary base with me

 **MCCREE:** oh thank god

 **LÚCIO:** You're going to pass out?

 **MCCREE:** i sure am

 **ZARYA:** This does not solve the problem of the armory being frozen

 **MCCREE:** one problem at a time

 **ZARYA:** If we do not solve this it will be multiple problems

 **WINSTON:** I'm afraid I can't do much about this issue, Mrs. Zaryanova

 **PHARAH:** It seems like we aren't going to have a base after all

 **DVA:** i like this base, it has better wifi

 **GENJI:** same

 **SOMBRA:** it has weaker defenses, im going to sneak in

 **WINSTON:** Please don't.

 **SOMBRA:** yes

 **ANA:** if the base has weaker defenses then...

 **ANA:** oh no

 **JUNKRAT:** HEY, THE GHOST GUY IS IN THE KITCHEN. DO I KILL HIM????

 **ANA:** exactly that

 **LÚCIO:** Jamie, don't kill anyone until an orden is given

 **JUNKRAT:** BUT HE'S EATING ALL THE POP TARTS!

 **LÚCIO:** I take it back, kill him

 **WINSTON:** DO NOT KILL HIM!

 **GENJI:** ill take it by the gunshots and the curses in both spanish and whatever it is junkrat speaks, that he did not listen

 **WINSTON:** I am well aware of that, Genji

 **GENJI:** always happy to help

 **MCCREE:** @REAPER hey, your sudden gunshots gave Jack, Hana and Zarya a crisis, so thanks for that

 **GENJI:** shit. code pink?

 **MCCREE:** both of them. i'll take Zarya, you take Hana

 **REAPER:** Where's Jack.

 **MCCREE:** gym

 **WINSTON:** And this is why we don't have sudden gunfire on the base...

 **LÚCIO:** I'm sorry. I'll talk to Jamie

 **MERCY:** I will be on the medical wing in case you need me

 **PHARAH:** I'll be with her

 

 **MCCREE:** hot pink is safe and calm. how are soft pink and ocean blue doing?

 **GENJI:** hana is calmer but still alert. im currently bing watching friends with her

 **MCCREE:** cool, keep it like that

 **REAPER:** Medical.

 **MCCREE:** injuries?

 **REAPER:** He punched a wall. He's calm now.

 **MCCREE:** okay, glad it's over

 **SOMBRA:** wow, i didnt knew you guys had codes for when someone had a pstd crisis

 **MCCREE:** a lot of folks here have it, so we figured out the best way to approach every situation. we have codes because everyone needs different approaches. everyone in the base has a distinctive code

 **SOMBRA:** thats so cool and thoughtful

 **WIDOWMAKER:** So you strengthen your bonds by caring for each other on moments of crisis?

 **MCCREE:** pretty much, yeah

 **WIDOWMAKER:** Impressive.

 **MCCREE:** did she just gave us a compliment???

 **SOMBRA:** it means shes going to kill you next

 **MCCREE:** cool

 

 **ORISA:** Approaching base now.

 **WINSTON:** That's great, Orisa. Everyone is with you?

 **ORISA:** Yes!

 **TRACER:** hello again, luvs! im sorry for causing such a ruckus on the base

 **MCCREE:** it's okay

 **GENJI:** we know how important those photos were to you

 **TRACER:** sombra said she would help me recover them!

 **GENJI:** she did???

 **SOMBRA:** im helping a fellow lesbian

 **TRACER:** ayeee

 **GENJI:** at least thats over

 **SATYA:** She will, as well, help me recover the work I lost from the unfortunate accident Dr. Zhou had.

 **SATYA:** I had to pay her, though.

 **SOMBRA:** at least you will get your work back

 **GENJI:** so, thats it? a happy ending at last?

 **SATYA:** Not quite.

 **TRACER:** i still want revenge

 **GENJI:** ... you want to go into a war with a hamster?

 **TRACER:** a hamster???

 **TRACER:** i didnt knew that!

 **ORISA:** I'm sorry! I must have left that detail out on my debriefing

 **TRACER:** dont worry to much, love!

 **TRACER:** still... i dont want to go into a war against a hamster

 **GENJI:** the new base has faster wifi

 **TRACER:** HAPPY ENDING EVERYBODY!

 **WINSTON:** At last. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still hate Hammond, but I am pretty gay for Ashe and will introduce her in the next chapter  
> Whenever that is


End file.
